Hairballs, Shoes and Stupid Humans
by Tigereye77
Summary: When humans fail, it takes a cat to do the job, of course.


**A/N: Not quite sure where this came from but it's just a bit of fun. I thought about doing a Halloween story, but it wouldn't be a one-shot and I was trying very hard to limit myself to a one-shot. I wanted to do something a little different so this is written from a particular point of view and not one I've written for before. Hope you enjoy!**

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The pounding on the door startles me from my fifth nap of the day. I stare in the direction of the offending noise and offer it my best glare, but it does little to stop the racket as it continues at an annoying volume. I wonder where Mine is? Usually she responds to the sound very promptly. I yawn widely and hear the pad of bare feet against the hardwood floor. Ah, there she is.

The click of the lock being thrown back makes my ears prick and I raise my head to look up from my throne where I have been napping, but I am feeling too weary, it was _only_ my fifth nap, to attempt to run out the door. However, I can see another human, of course, who else would make such an annoying noise, on the other side of the door.

It is the tall, dark one, the one my human address by a name that sounds like the noise I make when I have a particularly stubborn hairball stuck in my throat.

"Hotch? What's wrong?"

"We need to talk, Emily." When he says my human's name it sounds like Yummy to me. I usually just call her Mine. My name is better. Stupid humans.

Hairball Noise, "hhhharrttcccchhkkkkk", rudely pushes his way into our home, startling Mine. I can see she looks surprised and I rise to my feet, my tail swishing dangerously. My human has much to learn. The males she chooses to associate with have been less than desirable. There is the dark one who I managed to quell with a mere stare and a baring of my teeth. The skinny one who was already pre-disposed to be scared of me and it took a mere look to have him scurrying to the opposite side of the room from me. Good, he knows his place. There is the old one that at least has more hair than these other naked creatures. That one I do not mind as much as he gives me a treat and then ignores me. But he is too old to be a suitable mate for my human.

Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk is the right age, strong and virile. He has one of those small humans so he is able to impregnate my human but I am uncertain if she finds him suitable. There have been times she has spat out his name in anger. "That asshole, Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk!" accompanied by much banging of drawers and drinking of wine.

"Well, come on in," my human drawls out sarcastically after she closes and locks the door. She pads in her bare feet, making far too much noise, do these humans never learn?, towards Hairball Noise.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop spending time with Jack," Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk tells her. He actually sounds and looks regretful.

"What? But why? Did I do something wrong?" My human looks upset though why I do not know. We should all be so lucky not to have to deal with that frightful demon. He pulls tails when the bigger humans are not looking.

"It's Beth," Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk sighs. He sits down on the couch. I note with satisfaction that he will have black cat hair stuck to his gray suit, and runs his fingers through his own pathetic patch of hair. "She's jealous of your relationship with Jack. She says she can't forge one with him if you're in the picture."

"Oh." My human can be very inarticulate. She sits down opposite Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk, on the coffee table, she tells me to get off it but she gets to perch there?!, double standards! She looks so unhappy and disappointed, but then attempts to smile and reassure the other human. Only an imbecile would be fooled by that performance so she might succeed.

"I can understand that," Yummy replies with forced cheer. It's the same tone she uses when she tries to pretend the trip that requires me to be in a little cage is fun. "She's trying to establish a relationship with Jack. But Hotch, is that what's best for Jack? I mean, having me come back and forth into his life so abruptly. First with Doyle and then when I worked in London for that period of time. He'll think I abandoned him."

"I don't agree with it," Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk replied as he stood up and began to pace the room. "Beth has been so clingy and possessive ever since she came back from that job."

"I understand it didn't go as she expected," Emily began cautiously.

"She got fired, Emily," was his wry reply. "She wasn't ready for it so they let her go. It's been hard on her confidence and psyche. She's trying to over-compensate everywhere else. Perfect girlfriend. Perfect surrogate mom to Jack. Perfect cook. Perfect homemaker. But all she's doing is driving herself and everyone around her crazy."

"I can ease off seeing Jack, but do you really think that's the solution?" My human sat close next to the Hairball Noise.

"Probably not," he sighed as he leaned back against the sofa cushions. He gave her a wry smile. "I've been thinking of breaking up with her."

"What?" My human looks strangely like one of those smelly canines when you suddenly bat away one of their disgusting bones and they wonder where it's gone, wide-eyed and confused. "But I thought you liked her?"

"I do like her, but I'm not in love with her. Her insecurities and clinginess are not something I need or really want in my life right now, especially as it will impact Jack."

"If she's feeling insecure and crazy now, how is she going to feel if you break up with her?"

"That's the only thing stopping me from ending things," Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk told her.

I soon grow bored with their incessant noise making and I do not know what this "Burfff" they keep talking about is. I am about to go to my human and tap her knee, it never fails to get her attention, when I hear another noise coming from her bedroom. I look at the humans but they are too engrossed in their conversation, leaning close towards each other. It of course means I must investigate the disturbance. Of course cats must do everything.

I make my way, silently of course, I do not pad like some heavy-footed humans, to the bedroom and poke my head into the room.

An awkward, bulky figure is climbing through the window. My eyes narrow dangerously. THAT is my entry way. It is not meant for ungraceful humans. It had knocked over one of my human's glass things that she gets very angry and withholds treats if I touch.

The figure finally gets into the room and turns. I can see it is a human female. She is tall like Mine but lacks…well lacks. She looks particularly ungroomed as if she had been outside for a while. Only a stupid human would do that on a night like this when it's wetter than the tennis ball that drooling dog beast on the second floor incessantly holds in his mouth.

She hasn't noticed me and she tries to move quietly towards the bedroom door. Ha! She is noisier than Yummy. She stops and listens and I know she is trying to spy on Mine and Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk. Hmm, this one must be Hairball Noise's female that they have been discussing. They called her something like Burffff, very similar to another noise I make. What is she doing here in Mine's bedroom? Obviously up to no good.

"I knew it!" the intruder spats. "I knew he would be here with her! She's all his brat can talk about. He doesn't think I don't see the way his eyes light up every time he sees her. The bitch!"

I know that last word and it is not a pretty name to call Yummy. Mine is not a dog!

"Meeeoowwwwrrrr!"

My indignant cry gets her attention and she glances down at me. A frown crosses her face and she turns her back on me. I gape at her. No human turns away from _me_!

"Meeeoowwwrrrr!" my cry is louder and more emphatic. I want an explanation from this Awkward One.

"Shut up, cat!" she snaps, pushing me away with her foot.

My mouth gapes in surprise. Shut…Up. She just put her smelly hair ball receptacle on my clean fur. _Who's the real bitch_, I think sourly.

It is time to teach this…human, a lesson. I extend one paw and swipe at her ankle, getting under her pants leg and my claws make contact with bare skin.

She hisses much like that skanky alley cat down the block and looks down at me.

"You little…"

Too late I realize her intent and suddenly I'm in her grasp. I let out an alarmed yell to alert Mine. As I struggle in Burfff's arms I hear the noisy humans hurrying towards the bedroom.

"Beth?! What are you doing here?" Hairball Noise cries out.

"Sergio!" Mine's priorities are in order, me first, who cares about her? "Let go of my cat you, bitch!"

This time the use of that word is appropriate. I go limp in Burfff's arms and mewl pathetically, letting my eyes flutter shut and my head to loll to the side.

I feel Mine take me in her arms and cuddle me against her body. I like it when she does this. It is quite comfortable for me and I nestle against her, mewling faintly.

"Sergio, my poor, baby!" she coos. Her voice turns harder. "What did you do to him?"

"What?! I didn't do anything to your stupid cat!" Burff's snaps.

I open one eye to glare at her and I can feel Mine's arms tighten around me. "Hotch, if you don't get this piece of trash out of my apartment, you're going to be taken her out in pieces."

"Emily, don't worry about it. I'll take care of this."

I don't know what happens because Mine takes me out to the kitchen where she coos and pets me as she tries to see if I'm hurt. Of course I am not, but I allow her to tend to me, as she should. We can hear loud voices coming from the bedroom as the other two argue.

"You're dumping me?!"

"This proved to me tonight that you have some serious problems, Beth! Breaking into Emily's apartment-"

"Because she's been trying to steal you from me! She's always been after you and you encourage her!"

"This has stop. I can't be in this type of relationship and there is no way I'm exposing Jack to it!"

"It's always about her! It's always BEEN her! Stop thinking about her! Stop it!"

"Enough! You're lucky Emily isn't pressing charges, so don't push your luck! Leave now!"

The bedroom door is thrown open and Burfff stalks out. She glares at me and Mine before she storms out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. Hairball Noise comes out and walks over to us.

"I am so sorry about all this," he says to Mine. He reaches over and scratches my ears. "Is Sergio okay?"

I don't realize I'm purring contently until I hear Mine's throaty laugh. "I think he's fine."

I crack one eye open suspiciously at the tone of her voice.

"I never thought Beth's issues ran this deep." Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk voice is low and different. My eyes narrow at both of them. Something has changed. Something has happened. They are standing very close to each other and now he is stroking Mine's arm, instead of scratching my ears. I sniff the air delicately. Mine is giving off a faint scent that is similar to when a female is inviting me to visit.

Oh no. I know how difficult it is to resist that smell, especially for a weak-willed human. As I guess, Hairball Noise moves even closer to Mine.

"Was it true what Beth said about me? That-, that you think about me?"

"Yeah, I didn't know I was doing it until she mentioned it and then I find myself thinking about you all the time." He is practically on top of Mine, pushing her up against the counter. "What do you feel?"

"I can't stop thinking about you either," she whispers.

Hairball Noise proceeds to do one of those disgusting things humans do and eats Mine's face. I am forgotten, me who was locked in the grip of a dangerous woman! I snort loudly and leap to the floor. I can see where this is going and know I will not be thought of again until tomorrow. I will get my revenge when I Burff in Hhhhaaarrrttccchhhkkkk's shoes later.

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**A/N 2: For those who are looking for the Profiler's Choice nominees and how to vote, you can find it at:**

**topic/ 74868/73609377/1/ 2012-Profiler-s-Choice-CM-Awards-FINAL-VOTING-BALLOT-HERE**

**Just remove the spaces. There are a lot of very good authors/stories nominated so show your support by voting!**


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